You’re doing what!?
Okay, so this is a true story, and unfortunately not my finest ever moment. A little while ago I travelled to Paris with my partner – we’ll call her Ann – for a marathon race I ended up not doing (due to being incapacitated by general decrepitude).
The hotel room was bijou (i.e., tiny), but somewhat surprisingly it did have a bathroom, though with a sliding door and a catch thing you pressed down to open it. Right next to it there was a small wardrobe set into the wall – and it too had a sliding door and a catch thing.
Anyway, it was the middle of the night, and pitch black, and I was awake, and I needed to go to the lavatory. Because I’m a considerate type, I thought I’d do my best not to wake Ann. So I slid out of my bed, tiptoed around her bed towards the bathroom. Very impressively, I managed all this without being able to see a thing. I got to the wall with the bathroom, and felt my away along it until I came to the bathroom door. I thought well I won’t turn on the bathroom light, I’ll open the door, close it, then turn the light on, so it doesn’t wake Ann. So very carefully I slid the door open, took a step inside, and closed the door. I was spectacularly silent. Mice were envious. I heard the click of the latch, and thought “Success! Now I can turn on the light”. So I began to feel around near the door for the light switch, but I couldn’t find it. So I was cursing, and thinking it was ridiculous, it ought to be easy to find. Anyway, eventually I decided to give up, and just feel my way to the lavatory. So I took a step forward – as one would. And smack! – I walked into a wall! I let out a strangled cry, but, you know, I didn’t want to wake Ann, so I controlled myself. And in my head I was cursing the bathroom designer:
“Bloody ridiculous people, they build a bathroom, they don’t put the light switch near the door, and then they build a wall two feet from the door. Completely absurd! I wouldn’t build a bathroom like that!” – that kind of thing. Well you can imagine.
Anyway, so I thought, if I take a step to the right then I’m going to get to the open bit, because I could remember that the lavatory was on the right of the bathroom. So I take a step to the right, and…
Crash! I walk into another wall, but also at the same time almost strangle myself on what turned out to be a load of coat hangers! I was in the bloody wardrobe! In the middle of the night. And it was pitch black. And worst of all, I’d managed to lock myself in there (or so I thought).
So I had to call to Ann for help:
Me: “Help!”
Ann: “What!? What do you want? Go to sleep.”
Me: “Help, I’m stuck!”
Ann: “What do you mean? It’s dark. What do you mean you’re stuck? How can you be stuck!? Where are you?”
Me: “I’m in the wardrobe!”
Ann: “What are you doing in the wardrobe!!?”
Me: “I was going to the lavatory!”
Ann: “In the wardrobe!!!!?”
Category: Day to Day, Whimsy | Tags: personal 7 comments »
February 26th, 2009 at 3:22 pm
That’s hilarious! Thanks Jeremy – made me laugh!!
But, who the hell is Ann??
February 26th, 2009 at 6:03 pm
Thanks Tracey! Ah yes, this Ann person. It’s a pseudonym, but actually the name of the first person I really had a (unrequited) crush on (which was an amusingly tragic thing).
March 4th, 2009 at 4:13 am
Oh God — you’re hilarious ! How do these things happen to you?!
March 4th, 2009 at 9:42 am
I must admit I do have a track record of getting involved in hilariously calamitous situations.
I’m thinking of writing about the time I inadvertently ended up in the women’s washrooms on a ferry. It’s not a pretty story!
March 5th, 2009 at 2:04 pm
Jeremy, you really must stop doing comments under assumed names telling yourself that you are hilarious. It looks so bad…
March 5th, 2009 at 2:14 pm
Yeah, especially since I got up at 4.13am to pretend to be Sima!
March 5th, 2009 at 2:27 pm
Quite! It’s embarrassing!