JeremyStangroom.Com

 I live in Toronto, Canada. It’s winter, which means it’s cold. Not UK cold, but minus 30 degrees cold – the kind of cold that polar bears complain about.

Anyway, I figured that there would a limit to how often I’d want to run the city streets looking like some kind of demented iceman, so I decided to try out a local gym. No problem, I did a vigorous workout messing around on a mat with a large red ball, and then decided that in fairness to Toronto perhaps I ought to take a shower. I headed towards what I thought were communal showers, but I was a bit distracted calculating how long I’d have to diet before I’d have a body like Robert Downey Jr’s (for about 27 years, I worked out).

Now I did think it was a bit odd that the showers were curtained off, but I was in a state of undress, carrying a small bar of soap, so I wasn’t hanging around. I marched straight through the first gap in the curtain… and found myself in a shower cubicle that must have measured 2ft by 2ft, face-to-face with a similarly naked, and frankly rather startled, man. I squawked, he threw his sponge at me, and well… the whole thing was terribly undignified…

Okay, so this is a true story, and unfortunately not my finest ever moment. A little while ago I travelled to Paris with my partner – we’ll call her Ann – for a marathon race I ended up not doing (due to being incapacitated by general decrepitude).

The hotel room was bijou (i.e., tiny), but somewhat surprisingly it did have a bathroom, though with a sliding door and a catch thing you pressed down to open it. Right next to it there was a small wardrobe set into the wall – and it too had a sliding door and a catch thing.

Anyway, it was the middle of the night, and pitch black, and I was awake, and I needed to go to the lavatory. Because I’m a considerate type, I thought I’d do my best not to wake Ann. So I slid out of my bed, tiptoed around her bed towards the bathroom. Very impressively, I managed all this without being able to see a thing. I got to the wall with the bathroom, and felt my away along it until I came to the bathroom door. I thought well I won’t turn on the bathroom light, I’ll open the door, close it, then turn the light on, so it doesn’t wake Ann. So very carefully I slid the door open, took a step inside, and closed the door. I was spectacularly silent. Mice were envious. I heard the click of the latch, and thought “Success! Now I can turn on the light”. So I began to feel around near the door for the light switch, but I couldn’t find it. So I was cursing, and thinking it was ridiculous, it ought to be easy to find. Anyway, eventually I decided to give up, and just feel my way to the lavatory. So I took a step forward – as one would. And smack! – I walked into a wall! I let out a strangled cry, but, you know, I didn’t want to wake Ann, so I controlled myself. And in my head I was cursing the bathroom designer:

“Bloody ridiculous people, they build a bathroom, they don’t put the light switch near the door, and then they build a wall two feet from the door. Completely absurd! I wouldn’t build a bathroom like that!” – that kind of thing. Well you can imagine.

Anyway, so I thought, if I take a step to the right then I’m going to get to the open bit, because I could remember that the lavatory was on the right of the bathroom. So I take a step to the right, and…

Crash! I walk into another wall, but also at the same time almost strangle myself on what turned out to be a load of coat hangers! I was in the bloody wardrobe! In the middle of the night. And it was pitch black. And worst of all, I’d managed to lock myself in there (or so I thought).

So I had to call to Ann for help:

Me: “Help!”

Ann: “What!? What do you want? Go to sleep.”

Me: “Help, I’m stuck!”

Ann: “What do you mean? It’s dark. What do you mean you’re stuck? How can you be stuck!? Where are you?”

Me: “I’m in the wardrobe!”

Ann: “What are you doing in the wardrobe!!?”

Me: “I was going to the lavatory!”

Ann: “In the wardrobe!!!!?”